Me too!
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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