I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
