did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
