i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
