We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Randomize
