I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
