Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
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