good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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