woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
