I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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