Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Randomize
