You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
