ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
