im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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