I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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