I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
