I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
