Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
