There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
