I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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