Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
