Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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