Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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