he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
