My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
