Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
