pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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