im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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