You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
