i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
