I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I made him laugh his dick is mine
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
