My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
