We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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