They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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