I swear god or herbie drove my car home
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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