She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
