Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
