I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
