And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
