gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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