Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
