i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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