Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
