There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
