Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i just sent this text using only my big toe
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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