moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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