I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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