Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
