I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize