my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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