This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
