I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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