i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
