I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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