Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
