I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
